After an emotional intelligence presentation to the United Way in Seattle, a woman who leads a team, voiced her concern that she knows she tries to keep a positive attitude as a leader, holding to her belief in "glass-half-full-ness," but there is someone on her team who as a "negative addict" who drags down the mood, the energy, the tone, and the effectiveness of every discussion. This person always complains, and turns all positives back into problems.
Seattle asks, "what should I do? How can I leverage emotional intelligence to keep forward going forward?"
My answer is simple: This is a person who's sort of trapped in the NOT SO HAPPY BEGINNING of their own story. You, leader, are someone who wants to take a negative beginning and spot the opportunity to move to a better place... the HAPPY ENDING. But John (we'll call him) wants to stay in the negative. Lots of people are like this. That's okay.
First, be glad you're not one of those people. It's bleak there. But there is a way to work with John, using basic SagePresence and emotional intelligence. Here's how: Use a simple Appreciate, Empathize, Voice Their Perspective, Appreciate, Advance. (What would that be? AEVPAA – "Eve-Pah?)
The reason this is important is that you need to recognize the negative starting situation he's stuck at. He needs to know you get it, and you'll only show him that by feeling it along with him. You want to try to "elevate" him by pointing out the positive, but he's not ready for that until he gets you to the negative space where he is. It's like the development hierarchy, where you have to meet one need before you can go onto the next. If you can meet him where he is, he might become ready to move ahead.
Now don't be afraid. You can walk right into the dark, and then just walk right out again. Don't be afraid to go where he is. It's not like he's dragging you down from your positive attitude – because you're not going to stay there. It's just for a moment.
Here's the process:
1) Appreciate him, for the feelings he has. Don't feel them too yet. Don't feel the opposite. Just appreciate a man who's frustrated and angry. Appreciate him for the way he really is, and appreciate him for voicing it. Make direct eye-contact as you appreciate him. Appreciation is important whenever you enter someone's situation from your own. If someone's frustrated or angry, appreciation is critical because it demonstrates care and respect, so they know your frustration is not directed at them.
2) Empathize with him, and let's take a moment to define empathy. My definition of empathy is "opening up yourself to feel what the other person is feeling, at the same time and to a similar degree, as they are." Empathy can also be a intellectual thing, such as "I recognize your sadness, and I would feel sad too if I were you." But I'm not saying that. I'm saying, "You're angry, and I'm angry right along with you." Also important, understand that I'm not saying you voice that (although you may). I'm instructing you to FEEL ANGRY right alongside this person. By feeling angry with John, you will inherently allow him to feel empathized with.
3) Once you're feeling what he's feeling (you'll probably feel it just a little less than he does), then Voice His Perspective. Clearly, and from the feeling, state his exact concern as closely as possible to the way he would. Make sure, in the head/heart way, you capture his negative situation.
4) Appreciate, again, drifting out of feeling what he's feeling, and then back into appreciation. Appreciation is needed whenever you're leaving someone's situation back to your own. It shows that you're not abandoning them, but that you still respect them and care.
5) You may now Advance, by returning to where you were before – positive. You can return to feeling the hope and excitement for the fix, and share it as a possibility that you're excited about. You should feel it and speak to it (head/heart). For example: "Given the very real frustrations you've pointed out, I'm excited to describe the positive situation I see, that we can move toward so nobody has to feel the way you do right now. Here's what really excites me about this challenge... " This is your vision for the Happy Ending.
In review, the AEVAA process is: Enter his frustrated starting point on appreciation, then allow yourself to feel what he feels. Then express his position while feeling his feeling. Then appreciate him again as you shift over to your own perspective (positive), and begin feeling the optimism and hope you want to feel. Then describe what you see, hopping from where he is now.
This creates a Head-Heart Story that starts in the negative (with appreciation and warmth), and builds to a positive situation. And it acknowledges John's reality while giving him recognition and empathy. It's the best way to lead him to the place you are.
Over time, if you repeat this process, John will begin to feel recognized and heard, so he can release his desire to chain you to the not so happy beginning, and join you in moving toward your happier ending.
Best to Seattle!
Dean
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