OUTSIDE THE VELVET CAGE

Why MEN should work harder to help WOMEN break the glass ceiling!

Men, it's time to get selfish and fight the good fight to help women break the glass ceiling. That's right, think selfishly and do the selfless thing.

"Hmmm. First, I don't get what your saying, Dean, and second... well, I guess I just don't get what you're saying."

Even now... No! Especially now, when jobs are scarce, and times are tough, it's important to the real future of men to do our part and dull the edge of the good-old-boy's network, the frat boy insider channels, and the Bobby Jones swinging, golf-course business deals that make it "who you know" and not "what you are" that makes the world go around.

For years, I've been devoted to helping everyone I meet, men or women, become more comfortable in their own skin, and bring more to the daily performance of whatever work they do, on whatever stage their "life is a stage" happens to be. And throughout this time, I've had a keen eye on building the professional woman, who represents about 65% of the clientele of SagePresence. 

The initial reason for that is that women really click with our training because it's emotion-based. And I have another motive, in addition to the personal charge I get helping people elevate their potential. And that is, I think it's life or death for men to embrace helping women. 

We now live in an America that has its first black president, which is only important in how it proves that race finally isn't important. I know racial equality is a process (not an outcome), but I believe Obama got elected because America wanted to elect him. And now we finally know that our country really had been evolving before this moment (beyond just talking about it). This is just the proof. 

Now we have to get there with the professional woman -- another process that's also not an outcome. The problem I see is that men don't understand why it's so important to them to help women really get there. And I want to tell you why it is so critical. And I'm going to make it very simple.

There are as many different kinds of men as their are types of trees in a forest. And being out there, throughout America, in different industries, at different strata, I see that there are many men, with diverse offerings, unique value, and not all of them have their voice in the community, industry, or global universe. 

Like women, who work so hard, offer so much value, but typically can't ever quite find the sliding glass door in the immovable glass ceiling, many men can't rise up either, and for similar reasons. There are many men who also push their faces against the glass as they try to climb the ladder. 

And if they didn't fraternize their way in during college, or on the golf course, or in any of a hundred versions of those tired good-old-boy examples, they won't see the top. Their ship won't come in. Their dog won't hunt. Their job won't go career!

I know a man who I've therapized (sorry, I think making up words is fun) over many a lunch meeting, who did make it to a partner level in a firm, but still feels himself an outcast of sorts. He was more the long-distance runner type. He liked the solitude of his rollerblades where others preferred the golf-course. Getting there was really painful and lonely for him. And it's not the sport. It's the "in crowd" mentality that keeps some people "out."  

More. I know a company where the Monday-Night football gatherings are the real place where the business gets done and the alliances are built. And I know a man who's just not into football, and feels at a huge disadvantage in getting to leadership. You'd think he could just suck it up and watch the damn game. But that's not really what it's about. 

If you like the game, and you grew up (if you can call high-school and college growing up) hanging with the guys doing the football night thang, then you can be one of the guys and have the kind of fun and achieve the loose-osity that makes the relationships genuine. This man, an executive, couldn't feel authentic in the crowd that was so unlike him, and even when he tried, the relationships didn't take.

Then there's me. Dean. I've never fit in anywhere (yet oddly, I fit in anywhere, and don't feel like I resemble anything around me). I've done pretty well for myself, but even building (and selling) an interactive media company, making a feature film that got distributed, and starting a professional speaking career, I don't find myself "in" any of the elite networks that represent much of the power that makes things go! 

And the associates I know, who do business on the golf course, have a Lambda Chi Alpha or a Greeks rolodex, or otherwise manage to elite-ize, get access to the power.

Clarity: I don't really literally mean anything about golfing, belonging to a fraternity, or being in good with the people with power. I'm using this sort of thing to exemplify the way clicks form around some certain kind of homogeny, to keep everything different out.

I care so much because I see cut-and-dry cases where a company, populated by men and women, different races and different religions, is run by grey-haired white men. In those cases, it's obvious. Yet I don't think a white business man with grey hair should not be able to get high up in a company. I think that it's just one sign that a certain type of person became the kind of person that represents a business click, and even when they try, that group has a heck of a time letting anyone else in.

And, I'm saying that it's not a male/female thing. It's a "club" thing. There are many men who don't ever rise up into that power circle, who want to! Like the Indian man who's been in a company for a very long time, and is not even on the list of those getting fast-tracked for partnership. He's not too different from the women, who are leaving in droves from professional life, because "where's the payoff?"

So here's where we get to the point... the point that men need to get involved in the professional woman getting her voice, her footing, and her payoff. 

If a man, like one of the men I mentioned, who has a ton to offer, but just doesn't meet the specifications of whatever good-old-whichever group that controls the power... finally makes it in, and rises to power despite his lack of good-old-boy-ness, how would you even know? The moment he gets there, he appears to be one of them, and now has access to them. 

The only barometer of true integration that we could easily see, an integration that represents a dis-integration of the walls of homogeny, is women breaking the glass ceiling. 

Just like Obama, a visible indicator that our country has progressed in disintegrating the racial barriers, when the glass ceiling that holds back women is finally and visibly eroded, then men... the men who don't currently fit the standard mold of the old-school business in-crowd, can finally know that their time has come as well.

So I hope you'll join me, for the greater good of more minds, more variety, more diverse offerings, different skills and value, and get behind our most visible sign of the changing times, and become part of the force that helps professional women build themselves solidly throughout our companies. By doing that, we will help ourselves too, and when they are truly there, many more of us men will also be able to rise, and no longer be held back by the glass ceiling we didn't even realize was holding us back as well.

CHARISMA: We Can Drive It Home, With One Headlight

 

We all know charisma when we see it, but what is it? Some try to fake it... you know, act cool, tough, bad, suave, etc. But what really is charisma? You don't know, but you know it when you see it.

I find that annoying, so I set out to define it... just yesterday, when a client asked me how to build it. He was afraid he didn't have charisma, and he knew he needed it. 

I felt like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade as I stepped off the cliff and trusted that somehow, the answer would be there. "You can't get there with one headlight," I said.

Pause: I have this weird knack for getting a flash of insight (like "you're driving with only one headlight") and trusting that the analogy is going to solve the problem... and it usually does.

Secretly, we'd been video-taping this client, and as we had talked with him, he clearly had charisma at certain points. Those points were points where he showed passion. So what is passion?

We watched the tape over and over, and whenever the client showed passion, he had charisma. And while it was simple enough (and true enough) to say: "Charisma = feeling your passion," we noticed something else. Most of the time that he had the truly charisma state, he had two emotions visible at the same time. He looked a little happy, and he looked a little mad... at the same time. That's when the glimmer appeared. The twinkle. He was like a calm "sports coach." Happy, with a touch of mad.

"How do I get out of this darkness?" my client asked. "Well," I said. Drive with both headlights on. One headlight is happy, and the other is mad. Happy and mad. If you feel those two emotions, at the same time, you glimmer with passion. Happy gives us the experience of opportunity,  and the mad gives us the drive.

Try it. Pick a sentence. Say it while feeling happy. Then take the same sentence and say it while feeling mad. Then say it a third time and feel them both at the same time... like a sports coach psyching up a team. Driven, committed, and feeling the opportunity. 

Charisma. You can't get there with one headlight. You need them both. One is happy and the other is mad. Feel those feelings as you pitch an idea, introduce yourself, or walk silently through a networking meeting, and you'll have charisma and people will react to you as if you're somebody.

Dear Dean: How do I stay POSITIVE as a leader with a person who always wants fixate on the NEGATIVE – Seattle

After an emotional intelligence presentation to the United Way in Seattle, a woman who leads a team, voiced her concern that she knows she tries to keep a positive attitude as a leader, holding to her belief in "glass-half-full-ness," but there is someone on her team who as a "negative addict" who drags down the mood, the energy, the tone, and the effectiveness of every discussion. This person always complains, and turns all positives back into problems.

Seattle asks, "what should I do? How can I leverage emotional intelligence to keep forward going forward?"

My answer is simple: This is a person who's sort of trapped in the NOT SO HAPPY BEGINNING of their own story. You, leader, are someone who wants to take a negative beginning and spot the opportunity to move to a better place... the HAPPY ENDING. But John (we'll call him) wants to stay in the negative. Lots of people are like this. That's okay.

First, be glad you're not one of those people. It's bleak there. But there is a way to work with John, using basic SagePresence and emotional intelligence. Here's how: Use a simple Appreciate, Empathize, Voice Their Perspective, Appreciate, Advance. (What would that be? AEVPAA – "Eve-Pah?)

The reason this is important is that you need to recognize the negative starting situation he's stuck at. He needs to know you get it, and you'll only show him that by feeling it along with him. You want to try to "elevate" him by pointing out the positive, but he's not ready for that until he gets you to the negative space where he is. It's like the development hierarchy, where you have to meet one need before you can go onto the next. If you can meet him where he is, he might become ready to move ahead.

Now don't be afraid. You can walk right into the dark, and then just walk right out again. Don't be afraid to go where he is. It's not like he's dragging you down from your positive attitude – because you're not going to stay there. It's just for a moment. 

Here's the process: 

1) Appreciate him, for the feelings he has. Don't feel them too yet. Don't feel the opposite. Just appreciate a man who's frustrated and angry. Appreciate him for the way he really is, and appreciate him for voicing it. Make direct eye-contact as you appreciate him. Appreciation is important whenever you enter someone's situation from your own. If someone's frustrated or angry, appreciation is critical because it demonstrates care and respect, so they know your frustration is not directed at them.

2) Empathize with him, and let's take a moment to define empathy. My definition of empathy is "opening up yourself to feel what the other person is feeling, at the same time and to a similar degree, as they are." Empathy can also be a intellectual thing, such as "I recognize your sadness, and I would feel sad too if I were you." But I'm not saying that. I'm saying, "You're angry, and I'm angry right along with you." Also important, understand that I'm not saying you voice that (although you may). I'm instructing you to FEEL ANGRY right alongside this person. By feeling angry with John, you will inherently allow him to feel empathized with. 

3) Once you're feeling what he's feeling (you'll probably feel it just a little less than he does), then Voice His Perspective. Clearly, and from the feeling, state his exact concern as closely as possible to the way he would. Make sure, in the head/heart way, you capture his negative situation.

4) Appreciate, again, drifting out of feeling what he's feeling, and then back into appreciation. Appreciation is needed whenever you're leaving someone's situation back to your own. It shows that you're not abandoning them, but that you still respect them and care. 

5) You may now Advance, by returning to where you were before – positive. You can return to feeling the hope and excitement for the fix, and share it as a possibility that you're excited about. You should feel it and speak to it (head/heart). For example: "Given the very real frustrations you've pointed out, I'm excited to describe the positive situation I see, that we can move toward so nobody has to feel the way you do right now. Here's what really excites me about this challenge... " This is your vision for the Happy Ending.

In review, the AEVAA process is: Enter his frustrated starting point on appreciation, then allow yourself to feel what he feels. Then express his position while feeling his feeling. Then appreciate him again as you shift over to your own perspective (positive), and begin feeling the optimism and hope you want to feel. Then describe what you see, hopping from where he is now. 

This creates a Head-Heart Story that starts in the negative (with appreciation and warmth), and builds to a positive situation. And it acknowledges John's reality while giving him recognition and empathy. It's the best way to lead him to the place you are.

Over time, if you repeat this process, John will begin to feel recognized and heard, so he can release his desire to chain you to the not so happy beginning, and join you in moving toward your happier ending.

Best to Seattle!

Dean