(responded to by Dean Hyers)
Thanks for asking. We have an easy, reliable remedy.
And you're going to have to be consistent in building a new pattern. Right now, some members of your team have a "death-grip" on their misery. This can take time to turn around, and you want to be part of your own team, without polarizing the "sides" by blowing sunshine at them when they aren't ready for it. It's like something I heard in a really good seminar by John Sweeney of the Brave New Workshop, who talked about turning a "no, but" conflict into a "yes and" compatibility. This is kind of what you need to do. Bring positive and negative into the same universe!
First, your problem. You want to be positive to bring up the team toward the good vision you have for whatever tough situation you all face together. But they're bringing you down, and with it, your confidence, your conviction, and your optimism.
Second, their problem. They're feeling burned out. They're weary. It really is hard to be them right now. They need empathy.
Third, the conflict. Isn't this nothing more than fear? You're afraid that if you see it their way, you (and your team) will grind to a halt. (Not to mention, you like your work, and they are miserable. What will happen if you stoop to their misery?) But your positiveness is a slap in the face to them. It threatens their desire to avoid change, and their hopes to have you (the leader) change the situation around them.
Your Revelation: We want you to recognize that you can meet them all the way (as in, go to their misery) and still get back to where you are (the positive optimist you want to be and really are). Humans have this ridiculous notion that if I feel what you feel, I'll lose myself in it. But don't worry. You can empathize and still get back. And you need to, so they feel heard, understood, and cared about.
The Method: What you need to do is this:
1) Join them where they are - both in words and feelings: (You can't beat 'em anyway.) The beginning of a conversation with someone committed to their own misery is to meet them where they are by actively listening and checking your understanding of where they are. You need to be able to speak back to them their situation to their satisfaction. Speak to both the situation and the way they feel about it. Ask them questions until you're sure.
But where we differ from standard "active listening" is that it's not enough to just spit back the words (although that is critical). You need to feel it with them. The way you get there is to simply ask yourself, "Can I open myself up to feeling what they're feeling?" Together, the words identify the understanding you have, and feeling it with them creates the experience of true empathy.
"Let me check my understanding. You are furious right now, because the night crew, who's supposed to be your backup is actually sending their work to you to do... That is very frustrating." (feel it as you discuss it).
2) Then you may take them to your positive vision: Once you haven properly empathized with their situation and the way they feel about it, you're free to show them your positive side, and the vision you have to improve what they're frustrated about. You're not trapped in their negativity. "Here's where I believe we can get to, if we work together."
If you want, you can do this as an exploration, and actually get their participation in defining where you're trying to go. But in my experience, someone who's truly committed to staying negative isn't going to help you define the better place. Plus, your vision might not be up for discussion anyway. But their participation can be major leverage for you.
Regardless, after your willingness to go to where they are (with both head and heart), they are much more likely to be drawn to where your head and heart are in your positive vision. Feel it, as you describe your vision, and they will, at the very least, not be threatened by your positiveness.
3) Discuss the actions you both need to take: Only then, after joining them where they are, then showing them where you are (feeling their negative with them, and feeling your positive for them), can you define what you want them to do in terms of action steps.
It's important that you reduce your positive when you talk about what needs to be done. Don't get me wrong, you're not being negative, you're just reducing your positive. This is important because they are the ones who have to do most of the work. So don't be all "peppy" when you talk about the hard work they have to do. Be just on the positive edge of serious – warmly serious. That takes the "slap" off your positive.
Also, if possible, talk about what your actions steps too. Do this because you don't want to look like you're not part of it. Sharing your own responsibilities (even if they're nothing more than supervising or checking up on progress) makes them feel less alone in the dismal realities of doing the work.
Summary: That's the way to deal with negative downers in your team: You feel and define their negative (empathy), feel and define your positive (before their very eyes), and define (with a low-level positive) the things that need to happen to get where you're trying to go.
Put even more simply: With your head and with your heart, go where they are, take them where you are, and define what needs to get done!
Best of luck and write back if you're still having problems!
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